It’s Monday, so let’s play a fun game called ‘Imaginary Monday’. Today I shall imagine that I’m the next J.K. Rowling. I’m selling books like tasty little hotcakes and everyone is talking about me. And when I say everyone, I just did Ellen last night (she’s not as funny in real life btw) I’m doing so well, and am so hot and famous right now that even Kanye wants to be my friend (I would consider it, but alas, he comes with Kim Kardashian) My books are number #1 on Amazon and I’m trending on Twitter #BestAuthorInTheWorld. (Step aside Donald Trump- you’re yesterday’s news)
So what is an author like me going to do with my Ba-Zillions of delicious Dollars? Let’s go!
- I’ve always fancied myself a private island kinda gal. So I’ve just gone shopping on this website that caters for rich people, like me, http://www.privateislandsonline.com, and bought this sweet, little gem. I liked its round, distinctive shape, hopefully this will make it visible from space so passing aliens will also know how rich I am and how well I’m doing. (Mmm, perhaps there’s a potential interstellar market for my books too?)
2. Unfortunately, this particular island has no residence, so I’m going to have to built. But I just can’t decide between a gorgeous beach house….
A floating villa….
And it’s always been a childhood dream to live in a treehouse…
But man oh man, I do like the idea of being underwater too. Nothing makes you feel more powerful than staring into the eyes of a shark and living to tell the tale.
BUT WAIT…OH LOOK, my book just sold another 10 million copies (I think I’ll build all 4)
2. But of course I’m going to need a yacht to get around- and why not get the most expensive one. I mean, who would settle for a 100 million Dollar yacht… please. (Now Kanye really wants to be my friend- still a pity about Kim though)
3. And who doesn’t hate the damn inconvenience of airports, pesky customs officer’s and not to mention the fact that standing in long lines is just bad for your back. And then, even when you’re traveling Business Class, you still can’t walk around naked. So how about this modest little jet.
4. Traffic! Rush hour! Taxis! All that time you waste NOT checking your social media platforms because they have that silly little law about not driving while looking at a mobile phone (tisk) Solution… ? Self-drive car. Mercedes has this darling little number. Yay! #blessed
5. World hunger, poverty, refugees I hear you ask? OF COURSE.. why not, Paramount just bought the movie rights and are turning my book into a trilogy starring hot, young Hollywood actors (the teens are gonna flock)
6. And being an Absolute Addidas Addict, I think I’ll buy myself a whole shop so I can wear a brand new pair of sneakers every day. In fact, I might as well just get Jeremy Scott to design me a whole new wardrobe. (Jeremy, you’ll have to call my rock-star agent if you want to get hold of me xoxo)
7. Life is so full of mundane and terribly boring little tasks- like renewing your driver’s licence, paying taxes, paying your speeding fines, going to the shops, cooking dinner and all those other snooze-worthy adult things. So why not hire a team of personal assistants, shoppers and chefs to make your day just a little bit easier? Better still, let’s make them all easy on the eye too. (Who doesn’t love a photoshopped James Franco dressed in a Christmas hat, wearing a teeny red speedo and holding a fluffy little kitten)
6. And most importantly, above all else, entertainment for my birthday party a la Depeche Mode- only the greatest band in the universe. At a mere 1 million dollars for 4 songs at your private bash, I might as well have them for my book launch too. (Yes, I just signed another multi-seven-figure, ten book deal with my publisher)
So there you have it, my Monday Imaginings. What are you going to spend your first million dollar book advance on?