I’m giving birth tomorrow (sort of)

Coming soon BM

I remember exactly how I felt waiting to go into theatre for my c-section… the birth of my first child. I was naturally terrified and utterly mad with nerves; in a few moments doctors would be slicing me open, while I was wide awake, and then yanking a crying, kicking, small human out of my uterus!

I was nervous that I might feel it. I was nervous to become a mother. I was nervous for the painful recovery. I was nervous for certain body parts, I had been warned that my stomach muscles and bladder would never be the same again. I was nervous for my husband, who with minutes to spare, was having “HIS LAST” cigarette outside. (I promise, it’s the last one.) 

I was also scared that our son would take one look at us and curse the fact that we were his parents, and I was also worried what I was going to feel. Would I love him instantly? Would  I want to smother him with a pillow because he didn’t stop crying and I had postpartum depression? Would this be the best moment of my life, as everyone tells you it is?

I had worked so hard to get to this point, the extra 20 kg’s of fat cells and stretch marks clinging to me were testament to this. I had suffered back pain, extreme rib ache (no one told me that my ribs might feel like they were snapping) I hadn’t seen my feet, let alone my vagina in months and I was burping like a sailor. Yes, I had toiled hard to get to this point of finally bringing baby Jack, into the world.

But amidst all this fear and uncertainty, there was one thing I was sure of; no one would be telling me what an ugly baby I had just given birth too. People just don’t do that, even if your newborn does resemble a Garbage Pail Kid. No one would look at him and scrunch up their faces and say, “I don’t know, I just don’t like it” OR “I could only look at him for a few moments, and then I had to stop, I really wasn’t enjoying it.”

But that’s what is going to happen tomorrow when I “give birth” again.. to my book-baby. Because let’s face it, writing a book is much, much more than just putting words onto paper. It’s month and months of toiling, probably some extra kg’s too, it’s your heart, your soul, you blood, sweat, tears and all your precious time.

Writing your book and then waiting for it to be published, is like being pregnant. The joy you go through when you sign the book deal, to the discomfort, to the highs and lows, the exhaustion of sleepless nights and those unbearable last few months as your publishing date creeps closer and closer.

But unlike the birth of my son, this birth becomes public domain. It becomes something that people can criticize. They can tell you they don’t like it, they can give you one star and write scathing reviews about it. Sometimes they do it with tact, but other times they are ruthless, callous and even cruel.

Sure, not everyone will like your book. I certainly don’t expect some serious, scarf- wearing, literary aficionado that only reads the Pulitzer Prize winners to tell me that my little “chickLit” book is the best thing he’s ever read. But it is still difficult to accept.

It’s hard because you know how much work went into it. It’s hard because in many ways the book is a part of you. It’s a little piece of yourself that you are sending out into the world – and now anyone can say anything they want about it.

But just like birth, you put on your big girl panties (or in that case those huge, horrible, mesh things) and suck it up. Because once a baby is in there, it has to come out. There is no way of negotiating your way around that unfortunate biological fact. Just like your book coming out. Once your publisher has it, once the cover has been designed, book printed, eBook formatted, advances paid… it is inevitable.

I’m proud of what is coming out tomorrow. I could not have put more work, dedication and love into it if I tried. To me, it’s my perfect book-baby and no one can take that away- not even a mean reviewer. And just like giving birth, had Jack come out with one finger and seven legs, I would probably still think he was perfect and love him unconditionally.

So bring it on…

And here it is. ‘Burning Moon’, my book baby that has been a year and a half in the making (book pregnancy can be substantially longer that normal pregnancy)

Burning Moon- born 2 August 2016. Happy Birthday for tomorrow.

 

BM for Cover reveal wtpa

LINKS TO BUY 
Amazon: http://amzn.to/2ackjJB
B&N: http://bit.ly/2afn76g
iBooks: http://apple.co/2axKNoy
Kobo: http://bit.ly/2aaymKQ
Google Play: http://bit.ly/2awu8SD

 

 

 

 

 

9 “UM’s” in 1:45 minutes!

Screen Shot 2016-07-21 at 12.31.20 PM

I’m seriously thinking about contacting Guinness World Records after creating this video yesterday. I am convinced I have set some kind of world record.

My publisher asked me to make a quick video introducing my book, Burning Moon. Sounds simple enough, right? The final product is only  1:45 minutes long, but despite this, I managed to accomplish something truly remarkable… drum roll please…

I, Jo Watson, usually articulate member of the human species, managed to say “UM” nine times.  Twice might have been acceptable, three times is maybe pushing it… but NINE? That’s just downright irritating and I want to apologise in advance to anyone brave enough to make it to the end… all 105 seconds of it.

After watching the video back for the first time, I decided to attempt another one. But my mind was so preoccupied with the word “UM” that I started to sound like the Borg. (You remember them, creepy, pale- faced, half-robot aliens from Star Trek)

“We are Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.” 

In my case, resisting the desire to say “UM” was indeed, futile. So I had no choice but to turn this little gem over to my publishers, and now it has gone live on Facebook for the world to see. For the world to see that I am a chronic “UM” abuser, and I’m not sure there’s a 12-Step program for it.

So here it is. (Watch at your own peril) I do promise that the book is not as “UM” heavy… at least I hope not.

https://www.facebook.com/eternalromance/?fref=ts

*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out 2 August and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Millions times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1472237927/ref=s9_simh_gw_g14_i1_r?ie=UTF8&fpl=fresh&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=desktop-1&pf_rd_r=5Z8030KXJAWVWBDGVKAN&pf_rd_t=36701&pf_rd_p=26de8ef0-2ad7-412c-8634-6cd03b7b73e2&pf_rd_i=desktop

 

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There are only so many ways to say penis! (sex scene writing woes)

The hard, pulsing shaft of his manhood sought out her most intimate part. The glistening pearl of her womanhood, moistened by the fiery furnace of unbridled passion.  He impaled her on his hot sheath touching her secret centre through the plump, velvet folds of her slick core.” 

penis

No, this is not a competition to see how many euphemisms I can come up with for the act of sex. It is, in fact, a sex scene I manufactured for the purpose of this blog using actual words and phrases I found in real romance novels.

I get sooooo bored writing sex scenes, mainly because there are only so many ways of describing them- hence the use of wild euphemisms above. Think about it from a purely biological perspective, ‘it goes in and it goes out‘ (repeat action several times- hopefully more). Try find interesting and unique words to describe that! I dare you.

As an author, I also find myself faced with a slight predicament. I don’t write category style romance, the traditional Mills&Boon stuff, and I don’t write erotica. I sit somewhere in between the two conventions, so whilst I can’t use words like ‘cock’ and ‘pussy’ and ‘she came like a fucking steam train‘, I also can’t use phrases like ‘sunk into her core’ either. And let me tell you, ‘core’ is a very popular way of describing the vagina (Nb- don’t use that word either). Because there is nothing sexier than saying Penis and Vagina in the middle of a hot love scene. Nipple too, in my opinion, is right up there. But I also cannot bring myself to write “rosy buds” either.

I often find myself sandwiched between a rock and a hard place (see what I did there?)  I do write romance, some might call it chicklit, and sex scenes are a prerequisite! So what is an author like me to do?

Well, I recently did something terrible in a book I posted on Wattpad. Allow me to tell you about the book first (it shall remain nameless) because it is the cheesiest, most ridiculous thing I have ever written.  I vowed I would never venture into the realm of the billionaire -playboy- prince as I like to write about ordinary, flawed characters. But I did. And to top it off, it was a cliched lump of Cheddar. I took the most overused tropes and squished them all into one book.

But it seems that people like cheese, with over 400k Wattpad reads in about a month, it’s safe to assume that readers enjoy some cheese on their reading menus. (Bring on the nachos)

But back to the truly terrible thing I did; when I came to one of the sex scenes, I was so over writing them (I had put 3 in already) that I left the chapter blank. I called it “The big sex scene”  and told my readers to either use their imaginations, or write it themselves! What a cheek, and something I could only get away with on Wattpad.  Imagine doing that in a published book? Whilst I would love to, not so sure my publisher would be down for that.

So as long as I write the books I do, I will probably always have issues with those pesky sex scenes. Perhaps there are ghost writers out there willing to write me some? I can keep them all in a drawer and pull them out when needed.

And if you are struggling with your sex scenes too, please feel free to use my handy euphemism list, it is complimentary with this blog post.

PENIS

  • fiery swollen staff
  • hard pulsating arousal
  • bulging fullness
  • engored fleshy sword
  • rock-hard tumescence

VAGINA

  • apex of her legs
  • damp petals of her needy place
  • the portal to her moist womanhood
  • molten heat within
  • passion-moistened depths of her secret centre

SEX

  • He possessed her Lilly
  • He rose up to meet her hot, burning need
  • plunged into her sacred petals
  • love’s hot lava flowed
  • slipped into her moist tenderness
  • she strained against his impaling shaft

Have fun writing your next sex scene! I know I won’t!

No seriously, another blog award?

Right now you might be asking yourself 2 things;

  1. What award?

2.  And when is she going to stop using “No Seriously” in her titles?

To answer your first question, I got nominated for a Liebster award by the wonderful https://itsnotjustawritingblog.wordpress.com/2016/04/21/liebster-award. To be honest, since I only started blogging a week ago, I had no idea this award even existed. I didn’t even know that bloggers gave awards. But it’s all very exciting and fun.

liebster-award-nomination

YAY!

And to answer the second question- I probably should soon, it is getting a tad tedious, right?

There were some things I had to do for the Liebster Award Nomination and here they all are. But first, yesterday I gave myself some awards that I wished I had been given, so today I thought I would show you the awards that I will never be given! Ever! Not!

  1. THE “I SEE YOU” THIGH GAP AWARD- Nope, just not going to happen. The war on genetics cannot be won on a Stairmaster.i see you
  2. THE “HAPPY HOUSEWIFE AWARD”- Hell will freeze over before you catch me with a broom, a pink tank top (I don’t have the upper arms for them) and if I ever smile and jump like this, send me straight to the psych ward and a chiropractor. happy housewife
  3.  CARB FREE FOR ONE YEAR- Yeah right. carb free

So without further ado, my Q&A’s for the Liebster awards and my nominations. I hope my questions for them aren’t too corny.

lieb 1lieb 2lieb 3

 

*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Million times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Moon-Jo-Watson-ebook/dp/B01ARXVTE0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1461057653&sr=8-1

Someone pass that woman a razor!

deadline razor

The 15th of March might have been an ordinary day for you. So ordinary in fact that you might not even have noticed the little sucker pass on by.

But I noticed it.  Oh yes, I did.

I noticed it because it was the day my 3rd book was due to my publisher. Perhaps some backstory is needed here; Grand Central Publishing bought 3 of my books recently. Two of which they have read, one they have not. And the 15th March was when I had to hand in this book. And because they had not read it, and they loved the other two, the pressure was on. And I did not handle the pressure in a very ladylike manner, at all. 

In fact, the pressure reduced me to something vaguely resembling a Neanderthal. The first thing to slip was my attire. In my single-minded, obsessive pursuit of this deadline I began forgetting to get dressed in the morning. I rolled out of bed in my pajama’s, rolled out the house, across my little lawn and into my office- still in my pajama’s.

The next thing to disappear was my hair brush. Soon I began walking around looking like Cyndi Lauper’s long -lost love child that had been raised by apes in the Amazon  since being dropped off there in the mid-eighties to avoid scandal. My hair got so big that  it began attracting small items; my glasses, pens and pencils and finally small woodland creatures that decided to use it as a nest.

Screen Shot 2016-04-15 at 9.50.17 AM

And then, as the sleepless, stressful, cuticle-biting, chocolate-binging-eating, energy-drink-consuming days passed, I began to forget to shave. All desire to remove unwanted hair had left me. I had almost forgotten that such hair-removal devices even existed. First, my legs started sprouting hairs and then my armpits exploded forth with an abundant hairy bounty! But the worst part… was that I hadn’t even noticed it!

That’s how little attention I was paying to anything outside of my book (my husband- bless his soul- had probably pretended not to notice). I only became aware of my own hairiness when standing in the checkout queue at my local grocery store. I’d raised my arm to scratch my head (it was probably the small rodents causing it to itch) when I saw a man look at me in horror (more so than usual).

You see, the man had just come face-to-face with my unshaveness. He probably thought I was one of those bra-burning, freegan-feminists that’s into free-bleeding and shooting men in the balls. I vowed right there and then that when I got home I would shave immediately…

Only I didn’t. I forgot again, because whilst driving home I solved a plot issue  and rolled right back into my office and carried on typing in all my glorious hairy-ness!

p.s- I have since shaved. Although I am currently relapsing, as I chase a 1 May deadline. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No seriously, I’m an author!

Writer

No seriously, I'm a author

Had I known that telling people I’m an author came with the same barrage of predictable questions every single time, I might have had the foresight to arm myself with a recorded, automated response I could play every time someone asks…

And what do you do?

At this point I know I can look forward to at least one of the following questions;

  1. “An author? Really?” They might ask as they look at me with suspicious disbelief. Because aren’t real authors serious, intellectual, poetry musing people with neat little haircuts like Donna Tartt and fancy British accents?
  2. “An author, how lovely?” They say, while looking at me in a patronizing manner, as if they’re imagining some whimsical version of me sitting under a blossom tree at the bottom of an English country garden scribbling little notes in calligraphy on old bits of papyrus. “How sweet.
  3. They might then ask, “but how much money do you make writing books?” Because it’s perfectly ok to ask a person about their earnings. That’s not rude at all.
  4. “And what do you write?” They often ask. And when I reply with a, ‘mainly romantic comedies’ they reply with a knowing, “Oooohhh, I see!” Their suspicions about me have just been confirmed; because real writers don’t write romance. Undersexed, bored housewives with nothing better to do now that little Jimmy has left home write romance. “Oh, so you write books about greasy, shirtless fireman who save bare-breasted virgins from burning buildings and then shag them all the way into Sunday?”
  5. They may also start telling me about their brilliant idea for a book, the one they have been meaning to write for soooo long, but haven’t had any spare time. (It is also the worst idea in the world.)
  6. They often ask how I come up with the ideas? As if that’s an easy answer.
  7. Or they might ask me what else I do, since being an author is not a serious, real job, right?
  8. And then the most bizarre one by far, ‘What do you write, children’s books?’ (I suspect this question has more to do with my appearance than anything else.)

To avoid the inevitable tedium, I’ve debated the pros and cons of telling people that I’m either an undertaker or a hooker. I’m pretty sure that telling people you work with dead bodies all day over hors d’oeuvres is a conversation killer. Likewise, I’m sure that telling someone you stand on a street corner while doing the soccer mom run will also shut them up.

But,  of course, I don’t. So when asked what I do I shrug, I look wildly disinterested (I might even roll my eyes and make a tisking sound) and I mutter something or other under my breath about ‘working for myself’ and then I very quickly add a, “And what do you do?”

 

*Jo Watson is an award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Millions times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Moon-Jo-Watson-ebook/dp/B01ARXVTE0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1461057653&sr=8-1