What I’m going to do with my MILLION Dollar book advances?

It’s Monday, so let’s play a fun game called ‘Imaginary Monday’. Today I shall imagine that I’m the next J.K. Rowling. I’m selling books like tasty little hotcakes and everyone is talking about me. And when I say everyone, I just did Ellen last night (she’s not as funny in real life btw) I’m doing so well, and am so hot and famous right now that even Kanye wants to be my friend (I would consider it, but alas, he comes with Kim Kardashian)  My books are number #1 on Amazon and I’m trending on Twitter #BestAuthorInTheWorld. (Step aside Donald Trump- you’re yesterday’s news)

So what is an author like me going to do with my Ba-Zillions of delicious Dollars? Let’s go!

  1. I’ve always fancied myself a private island kinda gal. So I’ve just gone shopping on this website that caters for rich people, like me, http://www.privateislandsonline.com, and bought this sweet, little gem.  I liked its round, distinctive shape, hopefully this will make it visible from space so passing aliens will also know how rich I am and how well I’m doing. (Mmm, perhaps there’s a potential interstellar market for my books too?) Screen Shot 2016-05-09 at 11.55.40 AM

2. Unfortunately, this particular island has no residence, so I’m going to have to built. But I just can’t decide between a gorgeous beach house….

louis-viutton

A floating villa….

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And it’s always been a childhood dream to live in a treehouse…

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But man oh man, I do like the idea of being underwater too. Nothing makes you feel more powerful than staring into the eyes of a shark and living to tell the tale.

the-world-s-most-incredible-underwater-hotel-rooms

BUT WAIT…OH LOOK, my book just sold another 10 million copies (I think I’ll build all 4)

2. But of course I’m going to need a yacht to get around- and why not get the most expensive one. I mean, who would settle for a 100 million Dollar yacht… please. (Now Kanye really wants to be my friend- still a pity about Kim though)

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3. And who doesn’t hate the damn inconvenience of airports, pesky customs officer’s and not to mention the fact that standing in long lines is just bad for your back.  And then, even when you’re traveling Business Class, you still can’t walk around naked. So how about this modest little jet.

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4. Traffic! Rush hour! Taxis! All that time you waste NOT checking your social media platforms because they have that silly little law about not driving while looking at a mobile phone  (tisk)  Solution… ? Self-drive car. Mercedes has this darling little number. Yay! #blessed

Mercedes-Benz F015 - Luxury in Motion

Mercedes-Benz F015 – Luxury in Motion

5. World hunger, poverty, refugees I hear you ask? OF COURSE.. why not, Paramount just bought the movie rights and are turning my book into a trilogy starring hot, young Hollywood actors (the teens are gonna flock)

6. And being an Absolute Addidas Addict, I think I’ll buy myself a whole shop so I can wear a brand new pair of sneakers every day. In fact, I might as well just get Jeremy Scott to design me a whole new wardrobe. (Jeremy, you’ll have to call my rock-star agent if you want to get hold of me xoxo)

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7. Life is so full of mundane and terribly boring little tasks- like renewing your driver’s licence, paying taxes, paying your speeding fines, going to the shops, cooking dinner and all those other snooze-worthy adult things. So why not hire a team of personal assistants, shoppers and chefs to make your day just a little bit easier? Better still, let’s make them all easy on the eye too. (Who doesn’t love a photoshopped James Franco dressed in a Christmas hat, wearing a teeny red speedo and holding a fluffy little kitten)

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6. And most importantly, above all else, entertainment for my birthday party a la Depeche Mode- only the greatest band in the universe. At a mere 1 million dollars for 4 songs at your private bash, I might as well have them for my book launch too. (Yes, I just signed another multi-seven-figure, ten book deal with my publisher)

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So there you have it, my Monday Imaginings. What are you going to spend your first million dollar book advance on?

What’s in a name anyway: Can a title really make or break your book?

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I’m rather bad at coming up with names for my books, so bad in fact, that my publisher renamed two of my three books. I didn’t mind at all, because the worst names they came up with were far better than my best ones. But this got me thinking about names in general. Are book titles really that important?

But apparently they are. Whilst researching this topic I read a few disturbing things, this one in particular shall add to my overall ‘aa’ (author- anxiety). Elv Moody, Publisher at Oxford University Press Children’s Books  says ‘It’s not over-stating the case to say that a title can make or break a book.’  (And here we naive little authors thought it was all about the strength of our story, reliability and lovability of our characters and our unique voice)

So in an industry where we need to worry, and obsess about so many things already, we now have to consider that our titles could make us a bestseller, or plunge our book to the bottom of the sticky-icky slush-pile.

So I decided to investigate names, and this is what I discovered…

Firstly, I hate pretentious wanky titles that endeavor to show me how intellectually superior you are. They imply that when I (mere mortal) read this book, I am going to need to thumb through a dictionary just to understand what you, oh genius master of English words, has written for me, unenlightened barely educated culturally inept underling.

Another hate of mine would be those hipstery-names. They differ ever so slightly from the above in that the authors are not necessarily intellectually superior to their readers, they do however have a bigger Instagram following and wrote the book only to be ironic whilst sipping on Vegan coffee and listening to obscure music on vinyl. Like this pearly little gem of hipsterdom;

Eeeee Eee Eeee”   by Tao Lin”

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https://www.amazon.com/Eeeee-Eee-Eeee-Tao-Lin-ebook/dp/B004CFAZL8?ie=UTF8&keywords=Eeeee%20Eee%20Eeee%3A%20A%20Novel%2C&qid=1462436162&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1

This has got to be the most hipster name that has ever been conceived of. I can  imagine the conversation prior to naming the book. “But titles are just too mainstream. Let’s not give it a title at all, let’s just give it sounds….” *author runs his fingers thoughtfully through his beard and then types away on his vintage typewriter.

But in amongst all the horror, I also found some amazing ones. One of my favorite names out there, hands down, is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

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http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5899779-pride-and-prejudice-and-zombies

And I guess this proves the point. I would buy this book solely based on its title alone. I’ve come to the conclusion that my preference lies in titles that don’t take themselves too seriously. It makes me feel that the authors don’t either, and that is always the best kind of writer, one who isn’t totally up their own arse.

But this is probably my all time fave…. When will Jesus bring back the Pork Chops.

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http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/93453.When_Will_Jesus_Bring_the_Pork_Chops_

I would definitely read that! But what I would not read (despite its supposed brilliance)  is Love in a time of Cholera. After reading that Cholera is “an acute diarrhoeal disease that can kill within hours if left untreated” I just cannot imagine love being vaguely conducive to it. There are no two things more opposite than a massive dose of diarrhea, and love.

Delving into the world of book covers even more, I also discovered these;

  1. worst-book-covers-titles-58 copyI’ll give this title one thing, you know exactly what you’re going to be reading about. But other than that, there are just so many things wrong with it. a; if you do not know how to avoid huge ships- ships that can be seen from miles away- do NOT get into a boat and sail the seas. b; this book was so important that it made it into a second edition, and finally, c; how often do huge ships collide with smaller ones? Enough that someone felt it necessary to write a book about it.

2.  And perhaps some more thought should have gone into these!

worst-book-titles-8worst-book-covers-titles-17worst-book-covers-titles-12worst-book-covers-titles-15

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3. Anything that has the phrase ‘Anally Yours’ in its title should reconsider even existing. (But more on Chuck Tingle later, I have a whole blog post planned just for him) P.s I was unaware of the unicorn’s nautical proclivities.

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4. Not only are these titles questionable, but their subject matter isn’t far behind either.

 

 

5. This author also wrote, “God Loves me, why can’t I get my locker open.”

worst-book-titles-2

 

So in conclusion, I am happy to report that I am not the only author who is bad at coming up with names.

 

Judge it!

I’m so excited to have my two final covers from my publisher, Grand Central Publishing, for the first 2 books in my series ‘The Destination Love’ Series. It’s a fun, romantic comedy series about finding love in surprising- not to mention warm, tropical and exotic– places. (As the covers suggest)

I loved the covers individually, but now that I see them together, I REALLY love them. It’s super exciting to see the series finally coming together after such a lot of hard work and many sleepless nights (months)

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*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Million times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Moon-Jo-Watson-ebook/dp/B01ARXVTE0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1461057653&sr=8-1

 

No seriously, another blog award?

Right now you might be asking yourself 2 things;

  1. What award?

2.  And when is she going to stop using “No Seriously” in her titles?

To answer your first question, I got nominated for a Liebster award by the wonderful https://itsnotjustawritingblog.wordpress.com/2016/04/21/liebster-award. To be honest, since I only started blogging a week ago, I had no idea this award even existed. I didn’t even know that bloggers gave awards. But it’s all very exciting and fun.

liebster-award-nomination

YAY!

And to answer the second question- I probably should soon, it is getting a tad tedious, right?

There were some things I had to do for the Liebster Award Nomination and here they all are. But first, yesterday I gave myself some awards that I wished I had been given, so today I thought I would show you the awards that I will never be given! Ever! Not!

  1. THE “I SEE YOU” THIGH GAP AWARD- Nope, just not going to happen. The war on genetics cannot be won on a Stairmaster.i see you
  2. THE “HAPPY HOUSEWIFE AWARD”- Hell will freeze over before you catch me with a broom, a pink tank top (I don’t have the upper arms for them) and if I ever smile and jump like this, send me straight to the psych ward and a chiropractor. happy housewife
  3.  CARB FREE FOR ONE YEAR- Yeah right. carb free

So without further ado, my Q&A’s for the Liebster awards and my nominations. I hope my questions for them aren’t too corny.

lieb 1lieb 2lieb 3

 

*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Million times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Moon-Jo-Watson-ebook/dp/B01ARXVTE0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1461057653&sr=8-1

No seriously, a blog award?

I started this blog precisely 7 days ago. I started this blog because I was getting sick of hearing about the importance of blogging, the reasons why I should be blogging and quite frankly, I was also sick of seeing other people with blogs getting free stuff! I also want free stuff God dammit!

I’m still an infant in this part of the world, so imagine my surprise when https://daisywillows.wordpress nominated me for an award. This one to be specific.

spirit

So a massive thank- you is in order. It was very unexpected! I would like to nominate The Blonde Writer for this https://blondewritemore.com . Here are my answers.

  • Write a short description about yourself and what your blog means to you. I only started blogging recently, but I love it. I find it such a great way to share your thoughts with the world in a bite-sized manner. I write books, my last one was 93, 000 words long, and I really enjoy writing short, punchy things. It makes for a good break. About me…? Always tricky to answer, but as you know, I’m an author. It’s a weird, crazy job and that’s why I decided to start writing about it. I live in South Africa, love writing on Wattpad, am obsessed with Depeche Mode and really need a holiday.
  • If you were an animal, which animal would you be? A flamingo! 100 percent. They are pink- what’s not to love. I even have a Pinterest board dedicated to them. https://za.pinterest.com/JoWatsonWrites/flamingos-because-theyre-pink/

But all this nomination stuff got me thinking about awards in general. It got me thinking about all the awards I would have liked to receive, but didn’t. So I decided I would give these awards to myself and pay recognition to some of my greatest achievements.

  1. THE NO TOMBSTONE AWARD- I’m giving this to myself for making it through my teenage years alive. I was very bad. I was very naughty. I was very rebellious and consequently celebrated my 21st in rehab. Thankfully, I am good now.    tombs
  2. THE WATERMELON AWARD- I’m giving  myself this award for ‘Getting the baby out!” And I’m giving this award to every other woman who did the same. Whether you had a c-section (like me), whether you screamed the hospital down the good old fashioned way, or had an epidural. I don’t give a damn how you did it, but you did, and we all deserve awards! (Not to mention precious jewels and shiny things from our partners)Watermelon3. THE STILL FUCKING SANE AWARD- Because let’s face it, some days this hangs in the balance. still sane

So there you have it, my awards. Please feel free to download these pictures and splash yourself with some awards today too.

And please tell me what awards you would give yourself if you could?

 

*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Millions times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Moon-Jo-Watson-ebook/dp/B01ARXVTE0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1461057653&sr=8-1

Someone pass that woman a razor!

deadline razor

The 15th of March might have been an ordinary day for you. So ordinary in fact that you might not even have noticed the little sucker pass on by.

But I noticed it.  Oh yes, I did.

I noticed it because it was the day my 3rd book was due to my publisher. Perhaps some backstory is needed here; Grand Central Publishing bought 3 of my books recently. Two of which they have read, one they have not. And the 15th March was when I had to hand in this book. And because they had not read it, and they loved the other two, the pressure was on. And I did not handle the pressure in a very ladylike manner, at all. 

In fact, the pressure reduced me to something vaguely resembling a Neanderthal. The first thing to slip was my attire. In my single-minded, obsessive pursuit of this deadline I began forgetting to get dressed in the morning. I rolled out of bed in my pajama’s, rolled out the house, across my little lawn and into my office- still in my pajama’s.

The next thing to disappear was my hair brush. Soon I began walking around looking like Cyndi Lauper’s long -lost love child that had been raised by apes in the Amazon  since being dropped off there in the mid-eighties to avoid scandal. My hair got so big that  it began attracting small items; my glasses, pens and pencils and finally small woodland creatures that decided to use it as a nest.

Screen Shot 2016-04-15 at 9.50.17 AM

And then, as the sleepless, stressful, cuticle-biting, chocolate-binging-eating, energy-drink-consuming days passed, I began to forget to shave. All desire to remove unwanted hair had left me. I had almost forgotten that such hair-removal devices even existed. First, my legs started sprouting hairs and then my armpits exploded forth with an abundant hairy bounty! But the worst part… was that I hadn’t even noticed it!

That’s how little attention I was paying to anything outside of my book (my husband- bless his soul- had probably pretended not to notice). I only became aware of my own hairiness when standing in the checkout queue at my local grocery store. I’d raised my arm to scratch my head (it was probably the small rodents causing it to itch) when I saw a man look at me in horror (more so than usual).

You see, the man had just come face-to-face with my unshaveness. He probably thought I was one of those bra-burning, freegan-feminists that’s into free-bleeding and shooting men in the balls. I vowed right there and then that when I got home I would shave immediately…

Only I didn’t. I forgot again, because whilst driving home I solved a plot issue  and rolled right back into my office and carried on typing in all my glorious hairy-ness!

p.s- I have since shaved. Although I am currently relapsing, as I chase a 1 May deadline. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No seriously, I’m an author!

Writer

No seriously, I'm a author

Had I known that telling people I’m an author came with the same barrage of predictable questions every single time, I might have had the foresight to arm myself with a recorded, automated response I could play every time someone asks…

And what do you do?

At this point I know I can look forward to at least one of the following questions;

  1. “An author? Really?” They might ask as they look at me with suspicious disbelief. Because aren’t real authors serious, intellectual, poetry musing people with neat little haircuts like Donna Tartt and fancy British accents?
  2. “An author, how lovely?” They say, while looking at me in a patronizing manner, as if they’re imagining some whimsical version of me sitting under a blossom tree at the bottom of an English country garden scribbling little notes in calligraphy on old bits of papyrus. “How sweet.
  3. They might then ask, “but how much money do you make writing books?” Because it’s perfectly ok to ask a person about their earnings. That’s not rude at all.
  4. “And what do you write?” They often ask. And when I reply with a, ‘mainly romantic comedies’ they reply with a knowing, “Oooohhh, I see!” Their suspicions about me have just been confirmed; because real writers don’t write romance. Undersexed, bored housewives with nothing better to do now that little Jimmy has left home write romance. “Oh, so you write books about greasy, shirtless fireman who save bare-breasted virgins from burning buildings and then shag them all the way into Sunday?”
  5. They may also start telling me about their brilliant idea for a book, the one they have been meaning to write for soooo long, but haven’t had any spare time. (It is also the worst idea in the world.)
  6. They often ask how I come up with the ideas? As if that’s an easy answer.
  7. Or they might ask me what else I do, since being an author is not a serious, real job, right?
  8. And then the most bizarre one by far, ‘What do you write, children’s books?’ (I suspect this question has more to do with my appearance than anything else.)

To avoid the inevitable tedium, I’ve debated the pros and cons of telling people that I’m either an undertaker or a hooker. I’m pretty sure that telling people you work with dead bodies all day over hors d’oeuvres is a conversation killer. Likewise, I’m sure that telling someone you stand on a street corner while doing the soccer mom run will also shut them up.

But,  of course, I don’t. So when asked what I do I shrug, I look wildly disinterested (I might even roll my eyes and make a tisking sound) and I mutter something or other under my breath about ‘working for myself’ and then I very quickly add a, “And what do you do?”

 

*Jo Watson is an award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Millions times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Moon-Jo-Watson-ebook/dp/B01ARXVTE0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1461057653&sr=8-1