There are several surprising similarities between your book and the dark, clandestine Nosferatu.
- Let’s start with the fundamentals. Vampires are bloodsucking, demon soul usurpers. They suck you dry and bleed the life out of you. Just like your manuscript! If you’re anything like me, you will have experienced that moment in which the book you are busy working on feels like it’s killing you- slowly and painfully. It sucks every last drop of blood and energy out of you. It steals your soul and leaves you creatively broken and wanting to plunge a stake into your own heart.
- Vampires are immortal, and so is your book once you send it out into the world. It will live on forever in some or other form. This can be a good thing, or a bad thing. I often wonder how many authors cringe and hold their heads in embarrassment at the sight of their less than eloquent first novels? Moral of the story, don’t write a crappy first novel!
- Vampires can disappear into thin air, and so can your book when you’re faced with an impending deadline and your computer decides to crash! Never underestimate the cruel, conniving intentions of your Mac or PC. They are out to get you, especially when you’re racing against the clock. In fact, they seem to know exactly when you are panicking and that’s when they strike. (Note; it is vital to always act calm and casual in front of your computer, no matter how dire your situation is. Always present a cool facade and do not let them see your fear.)
- A vampire has immense power and super-human strength. A book has the power to change the world and completely influence popular culture. Take Twilight for example, whether you’re a fan of pale, sparkly romantic leads, or of heroines with the personality and backbone of a sea sponge, is irrelevant. But we can all agree that the effect Twilight had on popular culture, was akin to the explosion of a band like the Beatles. (Also, if you throw a hardcover book at someone’s head with just the right amount of force, they will probably be knocked out cold. Possibly even die.)
- Vampires are most powerful at night. Oh, how many torturous nights I have stayed awake staring at the ceiling. Fretting, and obsessing and losing sleep over my work in progress. It is in the dark, quietness that my manuscript has the most power to torment me.
- And finally, if you throw a book up in the air, it will resemble a bat for a moment or two as it falls back down to the ground. (Ok, that was super-lame, but I’m running out here)
So there you have it. The reasons your innocent looking book, or manuscript, might be as evil and deadly as Dracula’s bloody fangs.
Can you think of any more similarities?
*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Millions times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.
The Naughty Author 
Oh my…all so true!
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Hahah, thanks!
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This is brilliant, and so accurate. =D
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And, if you work them juuuuuu-uuuuusssssstttttt right. . . you can make a book into a really good stake that once was wood so it will kill a vampire. Or you could just transport the vampire back in time to stand in front of me when I hurled my hardback copy of “Under the Dome” by Stephen King away from me in disgust so hard that it flew through the nearest wall. That should do it.
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Are you also not a fan of ‘Under the Dome?”
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I am not. That was the book where Mr. King broke me. Up until then, I’d been a faithful reader, someone who raced to the bookstore to purchase every book he wrote and then put it at the top of the to-read pile. “Under the Dome”. . . No. Couldn’t do it. I’d been feeling uneasy for a few books before, noticing his quirks seemingly becoming tics, becoming more frequent and the writing becoming sloppier. And, worse. . . predictable. When reading “Under the Dome,” I couldn’t believe the predictable garbage. I wrote down what I thought was going to happen in the book, this was about 1/3 of the way through, and was 100 percent right. Except for the reason for the dome. I didn’t want to believe he was going there, but he was. It was old when “Star Trek” did it in the 1960s.
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I love this post it’s so funny, yet so true. I’ve written two manuscripts at this point, and I still need to send out my queries. I’m procrastinating big time because of everything you mention here. When it’s your own book, it definitely feels like it’s sucking your soul. My fiancé complains all the time about how much of my time my writing and blogging takes up. When I’m engrossed in the world I’m creating, it’s hard to close the laptop and say it’s time to stop. Nice post!
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I hear you- in order to do this, one needs a very special, patient partner. Often they do not understand the social element to this all- I am not here just ‘having fun’ with you guys. Sure, it’s fun, but this is also work and part of the business of being a writer. It’s a tricky one. Good luck
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I completely agree. You have to be a bit reclusive to be a writer and not everyone understands that. Thank you!
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hahahaha this was absolutely hilarious!!! that last one had me doubled up with laughter\!!! Brilliant!!
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Oh my God! That was an epic piece of hilarity 😀 You don’t call yourself ‘Naughty Author’ for nothing, do you? 😛 Excellently compared and written, great job!
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Wow. Thank!
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huh….nice comparisons…
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