I’m giving birth tomorrow (sort of)

I remember exactly how I felt waiting to go into theatre for my c-section… the birth of my first child. I was naturally terrified and utterly mad with nerves; in a few moments doctors would be slicing me open, while I was wide awake, and then yanking a crying, kicking, small human out of my uterus!

I was nervous that I might feel it. I was nervous to become a mother. I was nervous for the painful recovery. I was nervous for certain body parts, I had been warned that my stomach muscles and bladder would never be the same again. I was nervous for my husband, who with minutes to spare, was having “HIS LAST” cigarette outside. (I promise, it’s the last one.) 

I was also scared that our son would take one look at us and curse the fact that we were his parents, and I was also worried what I was going to feel. Would I love him instantly? Would  I want to smother him with a pillow because he didn’t stop crying and I had postpartum depression? Would this be the best moment of my life, as everyone tells you it is?

I had worked so hard to get to this point, the extra 20 kg’s of fat cells and stretch marks clinging to me were testament to this. I had suffered back pain, extreme rib ache (no one told me that my ribs might feel like they were snapping) I hadn’t seen my feet, let alone my vagina in months and I was burping like a sailor. Yes, I had toiled hard to get to this point of finally bringing baby Jack, into the world.

But amidst all this fear and uncertainty, there was one thing I was sure of; no one would be telling me what an ugly baby I had just given birth too. People just don’t do that, even if your newborn does resemble a Garbage Pail Kid. No one would look at him and scrunch up their faces and say, “I don’t know, I just don’t like it” OR “I could only look at him for a few moments, and then I had to stop, I really wasn’t enjoying it.”

But that’s what is going to happen tomorrow when I “give birth” again.. to my book-baby. Because let’s face it, writing a book is much, much more than just putting words onto paper. It’s month and months of toiling, probably some extra kg’s too, it’s your heart, your soul, you blood, sweat, tears and all your precious time.

Writing your book and then waiting for it to be published, is like being pregnant. The joy you go through when you sign the book deal, to the discomfort, to the highs and lows, the exhaustion of sleepless nights and those unbearable last few months as your publishing date creeps closer and closer.

But unlike the birth of my son, this birth becomes public domain. It becomes something that people can criticize. They can tell you they don’t like it, they can give you one star and write scathing reviews about it. Sometimes they do it with tact, but other times they are ruthless, callous and even cruel.

Sure, not everyone will like your book. I certainly don’t expect some serious, scarf- wearing, literary aficionado that only reads the Pulitzer Prize winners to tell me that my little “chickLit” book is the best thing he’s ever read. But it is still difficult to accept.

It’s hard because you know how much work went into it. It’s hard because in many ways the book is a part of you. It’s a little piece of yourself that you are sending out into the world – and now anyone can say anything they want about it.

But just like birth, you put on your big girl panties (or in that case those huge, horrible, mesh things) and suck it up. Because once a baby is in there, it has to come out. There is no way of negotiating your way around that unfortunate biological fact. Just like your book coming out. Once your publisher has it, once the cover has been designed, book printed, eBook formatted, advances paid… it is inevitable.

I’m proud of what is coming out tomorrow. I could not have put more work, dedication and love into it if I tried. To me, it’s my perfect book-baby and no one can take that away- not even a mean reviewer. And just like giving birth, had Jack come out with one finger and seven legs, I would probably still think he was perfect and love him unconditionally.

So bring it on…

And here it is. ‘Burning Moon’, my book baby that has been a year and a half in the making (book pregnancy can be substantially longer that normal pregnancy)

Burning Moon- born 2 August 2016. Happy Birthday for tomorrow.

 

LINKS TO BUY 
Amazon: http://amzn.to/2ackjJB
B&N: http://bit.ly/2afn76g
iBooks: http://apple.co/2axKNoy
Kobo: http://bit.ly/2aaymKQ
Google Play: http://bit.ly/2awu8SD

 

 

 

 

 

9 “UM’s” in 1:45 minutes!

I’m seriously thinking about contacting Guinness World Records after creating this video yesterday. I am convinced I have set some kind of world record.

My publisher asked me to make a quick video introducing my book, Burning Moon. Sounds simple enough, right? The final product is only  1:45 minutes long, but despite this, I managed to accomplish something truly remarkable… drum roll please…

I, Jo Watson, usually articulate member of the human species, managed to say “UM” nine times.  Twice might have been acceptable, three times is maybe pushing it… but NINE? That’s just downright irritating and I want to apologise in advance to anyone brave enough to make it to the end… all 105 seconds of it.

After watching the video back for the first time, I decided to attempt another one. But my mind was so preoccupied with the word “UM” that I started to sound like the Borg. (You remember them, creepy, pale- faced, half-robot aliens from Star Trek)

“We are Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.” 

In my case, resisting the desire to say “UM” was indeed, futile. So I had no choice but to turn this little gem over to my publishers, and now it has gone live on Facebook for the world to see. For the world to see that I am a chronic “UM” abuser, and I’m not sure there’s a 12-Step program for it.

So here it is. (Watch at your own peril) I do promise that the book is not as “UM” heavy… at least I hope not.

https://www.facebook.com/eternalromance/?fref=ts

*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out 2 August and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Millions times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

 

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The first draft of anything is shit.

This is something I have to constantly tell myself when writing. Why? Because I am a painfully slow, pedantic, crazed perfectionist who can sit and obsess over a single word for hours. I cannot write a paragraph without reading over it at least three times, only then can I move on and write the next one.

I spend ages scanning the Thesaurus, determined to find a better word for almost everything I write. I reread sentences until the words no longer make sense and the sentence sounds like Russian. I read sentences out loud. I read sentences to my husband. I would read sentences to strangers if I didn’t fear being ushered off to a white padded room. I hate the idea that anything I write might be shit, or might not live up to the overly inflated standards I set for myself.

I recall one incident in particular that almost drove me nuts; I had started a new book a week ago. One that had a deadline attached to it. One that needed to find its way onto my agent and publisher’s desk at a certain date and time. But after a solid week of writing I was only 1, 943 words in, because I had probably reread and rewritten those 1, 943 words    1, 943 times. Now you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out that this is a huge problem, and I may indeed be in trouble if I carry on like this.  But I just can’t seem to help myself.

I’m built to obsess and fiddle. To worry and wake up in the middle of the night because I’ve thought of a better way to start a sentence. But I also know that in the long this is probably going to trip me up. It is going to wear me down and it will certainly drive me mad, not to mention everyone around me.

So to save myself from the inevitability of a straight jacket, I turned to the Internet for help, as one tends to do these days, and found some useful tips to writing your first draft.  They come from various sources and sage’s (but I do have to wonder how many of these wise people are actually authors?)

1.     Don’t edit as you write! This seemed to be the biggest consensus. Some people were even bold enough to suggest that if you aren’t able to articulate your idea properly in the moment, ‘simply put the vague idea in brackets and come back later.’ Brackets I ask you? Of all things holy in this world. (say something witty about the nature of brackets. nb, come back to this later)

2.     Don’t spend forever writing. Another very obvious one that came up often. “Sit, start where you stopped yesterday, and quit when it gets boring. The rest of the day is for the rest of your life.” What life? I thought writing was my life.

3.     “If you think of two different ways of saying something, write them both down and decide on the best one later.” As if! I thought of ten ways to say that better.

4.     “Suspend judgment when writing. Because that freedom opens you to the surprising stuff you never saw coming.” I found this one in a post by Writers Digest who are clearly not writers at all. Because if they were, they would know that it is biologically impossible for a writer to suspect judgment and self-doubt at any stage of their writing process. It just goes against our genetic make-up. A writer without judgment is clearly using strong, happy, mind-altering narcotics. (Can I get some?)

Will I try any of these? Probably not. I might obsess about not trying them though and drive myself a little madder in the process.

Some of this advice was taken directly from http://blog.bookbaby.com/2013/12/how-to-write-your-books-first-draft-like-a-professional/

What you should know about dating a writer.

A writer is a complicated and emotional being. In fact, the reclusive lesser-spotted writer might even be a completely different species. Its natural habitat is most likely a messy, notebook infested, redundant -stationary overrun office. It mainly feeds on coffee, chocolate and other sugary treats it really shouldn’t eat.  Its appearance varies slightly (depending on mood) but you will usually find it in slippers, yoga pants and other unsightly garments. Its only natural predators are itself; crippling self-doubt, insecurity and low-book esteem. It is mainly nocturnal.

So what is the first rule for dating this strange creature?  Maybe don’t date one. Why...because as pointed out above, we writers are not the people that the media portrays us as. The media has created and romanticized some strange version of us that is just downright misleading. These fantasy portrayals usually fall into two (very different I might add) categories.

1. Hip, sexy, cool and widely glamorous Champagne-sippers. Sex and the City might as well have been a science-fiction movie and Carrie Bradshaw an alien. I haven’t worn a heel since the turn of the millennium.
2. Dark, mysteriously intriguing and wearing carefully curated black hipster clothes and little berets while sipping expensive Merlot in the smoky corner of the club listening to a live poetry reading.

But if you do decide to date one, if you are that brave, then here are some useful little tips for dating a real writer.

1. Yup… we’re probably going to write about you at some stage. Because we often draw from the world around us and use our own experiences as inspiration, you might just come across a character that bares a suspiciously, striking resemblance to you.
2. We need our space. It’s nothing personal. We can be very reclusive and often need to retreat into our own made-up reality.  We write our books from this quite, imaginary place and cannot be disturbed when we’re there.
3. We have to write that idea down… NOW! Yes, we know we’re in the middle of dinner but an idea has just struck and when one does, we have to go where it takes us. It could be the next amazing idea that catapults our book to super-stardom.
4. Don’t tell us how hard your day at work was in a manner that implies we sat at home twiddling our thumbs and relaxing on the couch watching Netflix. Writing is real work too, and we would like you to acknowledge how draining and taxing it can be. You try sitting in a chair for 8 hours straight, forcing yourself to move through your writer’s block and figuring out how to resolve that blasted plot issue that has been plaguing you and causing you nightmares. It is emotionally draining work.
5. We need to spend a lot of time on social media, it’s part of our job. Please know that we are not flirting with some sleazy Latino lover called Juan Pablo. We don’t necessarily like this part of our job, in fact some writers absolutely hate it. But in this day and age, it has to be done.
6. We will over analyze your words, your tone on the phone and the way you said our name that one time. Writing dialogue all day makes us hyper aware of the way people speak. Often to our detriment.
7. We are dramatic. WE JUST ARE, OK!?
8. We are crazily obsessive. I think writing is one of those careers that comes with a certain level of obsession. To write books that are sometimes 100, 000 words long doesn’t just take dedication, it takes a single-minded obsessiveness that is sometimes all-consuming and irritating to others.
9. We are not always present. We often live in our heads, creating characters, writing our books and running over scenes and dialogue. Sometimes our brains just naturally flick over to that place out of habit.
10. Sometimes we would rather just be writing. This has nothing to do with you, but writing is not just our job, it’s also our happy place. You can’t compare it to  wanting to hang out at your office over the weekend.

But it’s not all bad. If you do decide to date, or marry a writer your life will never be dull. And I can’t speak for all of us, but when we love, we love with that same crazy obsessiveness that we put into our writing!

 

*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Millions times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Moon-Jo-Watson-ebook/dp/B01ARXVTE0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1461057653&sr=8-1

There are only so many ways to say penis! (sex scene writing woes)

“The hard, pulsing shaft of his manhood sought out her most intimate part. The glistening pearl of her womanhood, moistened by the fiery furnace of unbridled passion.  He impaled her on his hot sheath touching her secret centre through the plump, velvet folds of her slick core.” 

No, this is not a competition to see how many euphemisms I can come up with for the act of sex. It is, in fact, a sex scene I manufactured for the purpose of this blog using actual words and phrases I found in real romance novels.

I get sooooo bored writing sex scenes, mainly because there are only so many ways of describing them- hence the use of wild euphemisms above. Think about it from a purely biological perspective, ‘it goes in and it goes out‘ (repeat action several times- hopefully more). Try find interesting and unique words to describe that! I dare you.

As an author, I also find myself faced with a slight predicament. I don’t write category style romance, the traditional Mills&Boon stuff, and I don’t write erotica. I sit somewhere in between the two conventions, so whilst I can’t use words like ‘cock’ and ‘pussy’ and ‘she came like a fucking steam train‘, I also can’t use phrases like ‘sunk into her core’ either. And let me tell you, ‘core’ is a very popular way of describing the vagina (Nb- don’t use that word either). Because there is nothing sexier than saying Penis and Vagina in the middle of a hot love scene. Nipple too, in my opinion, is right up there. But I also cannot bring myself to write “rosy buds” either.

I often find myself sandwiched between a rock and a hard place (see what I did there?)  I do write romance, some might call it chicklit, and sex scenes are a prerequisite! So what is an author like me to do?

Well, I recently did something terrible in a book I posted on Wattpad. Allow me to tell you about the book first (it shall remain nameless) because it is the cheesiest, most ridiculous thing I have ever written.  I vowed I would never venture into the realm of the billionaire -playboy- prince as I like to write about ordinary, flawed characters. But I did. And to top it off, it was a cliched lump of Cheddar. I took the most overused tropes and squished them all into one book.

But it seems that people like cheese, with over 400k Wattpad reads in about a month, it’s safe to assume that readers enjoy some cheese on their reading menus. (Bring on the nachos)

But back to the truly terrible thing I did; when I came to one of the sex scenes, I was so over writing them (I had put 3 in already) that I left the chapter blank. I called it “The big sex scene”  and told my readers to either use their imaginations, or write it themselves! What a cheek, and something I could only get away with on Wattpad.  Imagine doing that in a published book? Whilst I would love to, not so sure my publisher would be down for that.

So as long as I write the books I do, I will probably always have issues with those pesky sex scenes. Perhaps there are ghost writers out there willing to write me some? I can keep them all in a drawer and pull them out when needed.

And if you are struggling with your sex scenes too, please feel free to use my handy euphemism list, it is complimentary with this blog post.

PENIS

• fiery swollen staff
• hard pulsating arousal
• bulging fullness
• engored fleshy sword
• rock-hard tumescence

VAGINA

• apex of her legs
• damp petals of her needy place
• the portal to her moist womanhood
• molten heat within
• passion-moistened depths of her secret centre

SEX

• He possessed her Lilly
• He rose up to meet her hot, burning need
• plunged into her sacred petals
• love’s hot lava flowed
• slipped into her moist tenderness
• she strained against his impaling shaft

Have fun writing your next sex scene! I know I won’t!

Judge it!

I’m so excited to have my two final covers from my publisher, Grand Central Publishing, for the first 2 books in my series ‘The Destination Love’ Series. It’s a fun, romantic comedy series about finding love in surprising- not to mention warm, tropical and exotic– places. (As the covers suggest)

I loved the covers individually, but now that I see them together, I REALLY love them. It’s super exciting to see the series finally coming together after such a lot of hard work and many sleepless nights (months)

 

*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Million times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Moon-Jo-Watson-ebook/dp/B01ARXVTE0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1461057653&sr=8-1

 

No seriously, another blog award?

Right now you might be asking yourself 2 things;

1. What award?

2.  And when is she going to stop using “No Seriously” in her titles?

To answer your first question, I got nominated for a Liebster award by the wonderful https://itsnotjustawritingblog.wordpress.com/2016/04/21/liebster-award. To be honest, since I only started blogging a week ago, I had no idea this award even existed. I didn’t even know that bloggers gave awards. But it’s all very exciting and fun.

YAY!

And to answer the second question- I probably should soon, it is getting a tad tedious, right?

There were some things I had to do for the Liebster Award Nomination and here they all are. But first, yesterday I gave myself some awards that I wished I had been given, so today I thought I would show you the awards that I will never be given! Ever! Not!

1. THE “I SEE YOU” THIGH GAP AWARD- Nope, just not going to happen. The war on genetics cannot be won on a Stairmaster.
2. THE “HAPPY HOUSEWIFE AWARD”- Hell will freeze over before you catch me with a broom, a pink tank top (I don’t have the upper arms for them) and if I ever smile and jump like this, send me straight to the psych ward and a chiropractor. 
3.  CARB FREE FOR ONE YEAR- Yeah right. 

So without further ado, my Q&A’s for the Liebster awards and my nominations. I hope my questions for them aren’t too corny.

 

*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Million times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Moon-Jo-Watson-ebook/dp/B01ARXVTE0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1461057653&sr=8-1

Random Author fact #7 and #8

Just some food for thought.

But….

 

 

*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Millions times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Moon-Jo-Watson-ebook/dp/B01ARXVTE0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1461057653&sr=8-1

No seriously, a blog award?

I started this blog precisely 7 days ago. I started this blog because I was getting sick of hearing about the importance of blogging, the reasons why I should be blogging and quite frankly, I was also sick of seeing other people with blogs getting free stuff! I also want free stuff God dammit!

I’m still an infant in this part of the world, so imagine my surprise when https://daisywillows.wordpress nominated me for an award. This one to be specific.

So a massive thank- you is in order. It was very unexpected! I would like to nominate The Blonde Writer for this https://blondewritemore.com . Here are my answers.

• Write a short description about yourself and what your blog means to you. I only started blogging recently, but I love it. I find it such a great way to share your thoughts with the world in a bite-sized manner. I write books, my last one was 93, 000 words long, and I really enjoy writing short, punchy things. It makes for a good break. About me…? Always tricky to answer, but as you know, I’m an author. It’s a weird, crazy job and that’s why I decided to start writing about it. I live in South Africa, love writing on Wattpad, am obsessed with Depeche Mode and really need a holiday.
• If you were an animal, which animal would you be? A flamingo! 100 percent. They are pink- what’s not to love. I even have a Pinterest board dedicated to them. https://za.pinterest.com/JoWatsonWrites/flamingos-because-theyre-pink/

But all this nomination stuff got me thinking about awards in general. It got me thinking about all the awards I would have liked to receive, but didn’t. So I decided I would give these awards to myself and pay recognition to some of my greatest achievements.

1. THE NO TOMBSTONE AWARD- I’m giving this to myself for making it through my teenage years alive. I was very bad. I was very naughty. I was very rebellious and consequently celebrated my 21st in rehab. Thankfully, I am good now.    
2. THE WATERMELON AWARD- I’m giving  myself this award for ‘Getting the baby out!” And I’m giving this award to every other woman who did the same. Whether you had a c-section (like me), whether you screamed the hospital down the good old fashioned way, or had an epidural. I don’t give a damn how you did it, but you did, and we all deserve awards! (Not to mention precious jewels and shiny things from our partners)3. THE STILL FUCKING SANE AWARD- Because let’s face it, some days this hangs in the balance. 

So there you have it, my awards. Please feel free to download these pictures and splash yourself with some awards today too.

And please tell me what awards you would give yourself if you could?

 

*Jo Watson is a multi-award-winning author of romantic comedies. Her book Burning Moon is coming out in August this year and will be translated into French, German and Italian. Her books have been read over 18 Millions times online on Wattpad and she is represented my Erica Spellman of the Trident Media Group. You can pre-order her book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Moon-Jo-Watson-ebook/dp/B01ARXVTE0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1461057653&sr=8-1

Why ideas are like rainbow bagels

This is just a short musing for the day as I contemplate some plot ideas for my next novel.

I’m all for rainbows. I’m all for dousing your life in multi-colored mermaid hues and I’m all for crudely drawn images of unicorns vomiting rainbows.

What I’m not okay with, though, are the new rainbow colored foods that are squirming their way onto the modern culinary menu. Why, I hear you ask?

Because what these foods really represent is not some exciting, modern gastronomic adventure, but rather they are indicative of people’s sheer desperation to come up with new ideas and stand out. There are no new ideas out there, so as writers we are forced to reinvent the old ones and hope like hell our book is not some predictable, cliched rehash. I guess the same is true for the food world.

I can almost hear the conversation that predated rainbow bagels and rainbow bacon. Personally, I think that food has finally gone too far though.

I mean, if I had to write the literary  equivalent of a rainbow grilled cheese sandwich (yes, those actually exist) it would be a  “Choose your own adventure, erotic comedy sci-fi romance illustrated in 3D and written on scented paper that sings to you as you turn its pages. Oh, and hidden in the pages of the book is also a top-secret algorithm that when applied to the stock markets will make you a millionaire overnight.”

I’m about as keen to read that as I am to eat pastel colored deviled egg